The "Un-Discovered" Delhi

After living 20+ years in Delhi, there comes a time, when you feel like you've literally seen it all. In these desperate times, we need places, new places where we can go and create new memories; or possibly a new "check-in" for Facebook. Now which ever of the two floats your boat, you know why you are here because:

1. Soon you will be having a random get-together with friends and you're looking for the perfect location?
2. You somehow managed to get yourself a date, and you want to surprise her? (Oh, you're a girl, don't worry, the guy will be doing this for you.)
3. You have possibly killed someone and need a desolate place to hide the body? (Don't worry, we cater to all customers)

Now i'm pretty sure this post is a cliche. You're sure you've seen it all, you've read articles about this, you've read other blogs about this. Maybe you've even written your own blog about this. If you feel so, you're free to leave at this point, or if you really have killed someone and need a body taken care of, you could stay and read my other posts.For those, who've recently exhausted the "known" Delhi, let's go ahead and explore some awesome places you can now go to. Oh, and obviously i would be mentioning places that don't burn a hole in your pocket. If you are looking for a place that charges Rs 89+ taxes for a 200ml bottle of water, then you can easily find restro-bars/ lounges/restaurants that nobody goes to. In each of the following categories i'll be mentioning the one place that according to me, will be worth your time:

FOOD:

• The Big Yellow Door(BYD):- I'm not really sure as to how unknown this place is, because i've never got a table here without waiting atleast 15-20 minutes. What i do know is that when i recommended it to a couple of people, i was surprised that none of them had even heard about it. Carefully designed to accommodate 30 odd people at the same time, BYD is famous for its Bomb burger. The burger, priced at Rs. 90-100(+taxes) comes in a basket along with a handful of chips and a considerate helping of ketchup and mayonnaise(nothing like i've ever tasted). I personally recommend trying the Rocky Road shake. It's located at Hudson Lane, at a 10 minute walk from G.T.B. Nagar metro station. Oh, and did i mention that the staff is very courteous.

The door is "literally" not that big

Some Hounourable mentions: Qd's(Hudson Lane), Omlettes(Pitampura), De Paul's(Janpath, C.P.), Mangal Sweets(I.P. Extension), Windsor Street(Indrapuram), Haweli(G.T. Karnal)

PLACES:

• Adilabad Fort:- Situated close to Tuglaqabad fort (one of the most famous forts in Delhi), this fort is literally hidden in the true sense. If you plan to go here, i would recommend accounting for the extra time that it will take you to find it. It's surrounded by a couple of villages, but once you are in there it's a lonely sight that greets you.Completely in ruins, the building is clearly in considerate need of maintenance. But if you really are the adventurer you claim to be, this place will be a treat. Ask the person sitting at the ticket counter of Tuglaqabad fort for directions, they're tricky so be careful. Preferably go in the afternoon, unless you are a bad-ass and can account for your safety as well as the safety of the people who you are with. 

Some Hounourable mentions: Hauz Khas Fort(Hauz Khas), Qila Rai Pithora(Mehrauli), Garden Of Five Senses(Saket)

ACTIVITIES:

• National Science Centre:- Science is for geeks you say? What you don't know is that within each one of us, resides a yearn for knowledge, and this place will fulfill it for you. Just kidding, you'll probably not understand half the stuff they have on display, but the other half, is amazingly cool. Throw away that inch of doubt you are still with-holding and go give this place a visit. From the magic tap, to the floating ball, to the weird lightning, it will be one hell of an experience. Oh, and i promise you'll get a couple of good photographs to adorn your social network wall. Location: Gate No.-1, Pragati Maidain

Some Hounrable mentions: Laser Tag(Laser Game, Janakpuri), Bowling(Blue-O, Ambience mall), Paint Ball(Shootout zone, Chatarpur Metro Station)

I hope you've not already visited atleast one of the above mentioned places, because then my friend you have a whole new experience awaiting you. I on the other hand, will continue wandering through Delhi, to find in those nooks and corners, the perfect place for both you and I to visit.
If you have some-other Food/Place/Activity that you think is worth mentioning, please write a brief paragraph describing it in the comments section below. Also, in case you still need a place to hide that body, just say so in the comments below, i'll get in touch with you via a number of people in Khakhi coloured uniforms- they will call themselves the police and threaten to hurt you, maybe hand-cuff you and put you behind bars, but don't worry that's all part of the plan.

Until next time!

Why women should abandon Delhi!

Time Magazine has recently released it's list of the top 10 news stories of 2013 and as a nation we don't fail to surprise, for listed at no. 9 is the Indian Rape Epidemic. If you care to use a dictionary, the word epidemic can roughly be defined as follows: "a widespread occurrence of an infectious disease in a community at a particular time."

I'm sure you can add 2+2 and figure out what the word "Rape Epidemic" would then mean. On one hand this news shows that the only Indian news to get into the top 10 is about Rape. On the other hand if you take one thorough look at the list it isn't all rainbows and unicorns- It's "mostly" filled with war, disasters, whistle-blowing(a good one apparently) and terrorism. So yeah, bad news is usually the more sought after news. It looks like that this international attention should do us good, but it's just fell on deaf years. If this would not have been the year before elections, i'm not sure the government would have done, what it did. So we don't need to go back in time to analyze what's wrong with our country, or specifically Delhi, the rape capital. We can do it here, right now, because nothing much has changed: for what was prevalent back then, still holds true.

Here's a list of reasons why Delhi does not deserve women:

1) The Government

In a recent survey the university of 'common sense' has pointed out that the pre-requisite conditions to rape is a male specie. This research has been further backed up by another individual organization, 'sound judgment'. Meanwhile, closer home, the Government Of India has denied these claims, and blamed the incidence of rape on chowmien. So you better stop eating those spicy sir fry noodles before you end up raping someone.

Chowmien- brings out the rapist in you!

2) The Police

I intend to avoid generalization, but when i speak about rape,i think i will have to generalize. i mean, for every 4 people who de-fame an organization, one ends up doing something good and improving the organization's reputation. But in the case of rape, this just did not happen with the police. There were cases of policemen harassing women when they tried registering an FIR; or incidents where instead of helping the girl, the policeman questioned her morals for leaving her home. But there never was that good policeman who showed humility, or that caring policewomen who made sure that the victim was not molested within the police station itself. So yeah, sorry policemen/policewomen, but you're not in my good books.

3)Ministers Watching Porn in Parliament

I just wanted to use this heading. In five little words, one can explain what's so wrong with this country. Now i have nothing against porn, and i know you have probably got an adult website open in another tab, but people like us, prefer to do this behind close doors. Okay, i know you've probably seen some in places where you shouldn't (read classrooms, offices), but then atleast you're not hypocrite enough to blame chowmein.
But let's go ahead and take a quick look at some of the most inspiring quotes that our politicians were considerate enough to share this year(I make sure i bring the most bizzare ones):

• Rapes happening because men and women are interacting more freely- our very own "didi", Mamata Banerjee
• Just because India achieved freedom at midnight does not mean that women can venture out after dark- Botsa Satyanarayana (Andhra Pradesh Congress Chief)
• I don't feel any hesitation in saying that 90% of the girls want to have sex intentionally but they don't know that they would be gang raped further as they find some lusty and pervasive people in the way ahead- Dharambir (Haryana Congress spokesperson)
  
  and as always, i leave the best for last:-
• Poverty and intoxication are the main reasons for rape as well as young people sitting together the wrong way. But also eating chowmein causes a hormonal imbalance which is a big reason for rapes- Jitender Chhataar(Khap Leader)  

The real reason behind rape

4)We, the Delhi-ites

When media sensationalizes an incident we men are ready to stand hours at India gate to protest against the government, but when it comes to offering her the women's seat your shameless ass is occupying, you prefer to sit. We are bunch of hypocrites and the only women we care about are the one's that are blood related.
No, women you won't be spared either. Does it hurt to call 1091 when that young girl is being harassed by local goons? I'm sure it doesn't, but you'd rather walk in the other direction. Grow a spine for yourself, but don't limit it's strength to yourself.


I don't want you to think that the next time it could be your sister/mother. No, i need you to realize that every girl that was raped was equally important.
Until Next Time!

A Dummy's Guide to Making Friends!

Welcome back fellow humans. Writing a blog is such a pain, so you better be reading this! (I do it for the society, it's not something i like)

1) Do you spend a perfect Friday evening going out with friends or reading silly blogs that insult you oftener than you understand (no offence, dear reader)

2) Is the only person to wish you a new year your ISP provider?

3)Do you often meet people who until now believed you had shifted houses a couple of years back

4)Do you sometimes look at the calender and realize that it's already 2013

5)Do you create fake profiles on facebook to like your own display pics( if you do this, then this blog can't help you, please shut down your computer and go jump out your balcony, check you're not on the ground floor though )

Today i let you in a secret, a secret following which you will be the talk of the town, everyone would like to befriend you, your facebook account will overflow with friend requests. Hell, they might even make a movie on you!

So start taking notes, as i read to you 
A DUMMY'S GUIDE TO MAKING FRIENDS!
Remember, this guide has been customized personally for you!


STEP 1- GO OUT!

If you understand the concept of friendship, then you might realize that you need another human being for it (your teddy bear won't do now).

Bugger! isn't it?
No it's not. For a change heft up your lazy ass and go out. because "out" is the place where you will meet the "human beings" i just talked about. Now i know you can't just go out and roam around the streets( leave that to the modern hippies). So the best way out is to enroll yourself into something, anything for that matter. My personal best is tuitions (we discuss it in detail in a later post- how to make your parents pay for you meeting your new girlfriend/boyfriend.)



STEP 2- DON'T BE AN ASS****!
Now i know many people are one and still get away with a number of friends. Sadly, you're not one of them. So if you meet someone new while your venture outside in "STEP 1" then be considerate enough to answer their calls, messages, wall posts, tweets, farmville requests, or whatever social network you waste your time on.
If they don't do any of the above things then go ahead and take the high road by taking the first step.Oh and if you're one of those who go by the motto- "i'm shy around new people, but just wait till you get to know me"- then be ready to withstand ignorance and stick it out. Hopefully your motto is true to you and they'll eventually start to like you. On the other hand if it's not, then buy a frame for the new restraining order you're about to get.



STEP 3- BATMAN IT UP!
Now that you've made it to the other side of the wall, just wear a mask everyday and pretend to be someone else for the rest of your life. This is the most difficult but important part of this guide. This choice is the one that will decide whether you go back to your old self or come out as a new you with loads of friends that will call you on your birthday!
So be whoever you want to be, just not yourself.



STEP 4- SHARE THIS BLOG
Believe it or not but sharing this blog has been scientifically proven to enhance your chances of making friends by upto 3.7 times. I could tell you how, but i know you're intelligent enough to figure that out on your own!
What? i'm not kidding, it's based on chinese feng shui! Now once you're one of the "cool guys/popular girls", you might want to get rid of this blog. No one needs to know how you became so awesome. It's a secret, remember? So destroy any evidence of reading this particular post.



Report back to me on the next post. Happy befriending*.
Until next time!






*Disclaimer-I hope you understand sarcasm, because if you don't then you're in a lot of trouble. 

An Engineer's Diary

I didn't want to give an introduction, but you know how all good stories have to start somewhere. So this is I, an average Indian IT male,  introducing you to my blog. It's full of sarcasm, most of the posts don't make sense, the others are bound to offend you. I write, because i needed an outlet. I write, because i have nothing better to do. I write, because i hope people are reading. I write!


It was difficult, deciding the title to this first official post, but I eventually settled on "An Engineer's Diary" (courtesy of a good friend). It has a nice ring to it, because engineers are supposed to have log books, not diaries. Engineers are supposed to be good at maths, not writing. What defines a true engineer? Is it just those tons of one building colleges shared between tons of engineers, none of whom can really create or destroy anything. They call us a crowd, i prefer to think of us as an army. An army of thinkers, an army of dreamers...

Oh come on, i can't keep writing this shit to keep you interested. Everyone knows why you decided to become an engineer? Because you had nowhere else to go. You do belong to a crowd, a crowd of average engineers. I am a product of this crowd, and on the behalf of this crowd i reveal here what being an average engineer is all about.

Over time your average Engineer starts to get accustomed to a no. of things. I call these rituals, if i may. These rituals over time mold into your identity, these rituals start to define you- the average Indian engineer. Today, i bring to light these rituals, in no particular order:

• You know you're an engineer if you have more exams than the no. of days in an year.

Cliche? Ok i'll accept that, but i couldn't move ahead on this path of misery, without first stating the obvious. We have mid-semesters, we have practicals, we have seminars, we have projects, we have assignments, we have externals. You name it, and we have got it. It's like having an STD, you experience the pain and rashes, but you've still got to pretend to enjoy getting screwed. We love boasting about how we finished that 721 pages of syllabus in one night and still had enough time left to watch porn. Dammit! why did i mention porn, i just lost half my audience.

• You know you're an engineer if you have atleast once received a threatening call from a jaat|gujjar for talking to that girl from CSE/IT

Ram: "Hey that new girl seems friendly."

Random Jaat|gujjar: "Prepare to die petty human."

(In case you are wondering what happened next- "Ram calls the college senior he knows from school, fight ends in compromise."

No! not the kind of compromise you are thinking. They shake their swords, i mean hands.)
Oh, by the way Jaat|gujjar's rock. *can't risk a beating*

• You know you're an engineer if you have that one friend in hostel who you only talk to when the detain list is out.

Ram:"Hey man, how are you? How's life?"
Random hostel friend:"You are not on the detain list. Still interested in my life?"

Ram cuts call.

• You know you're an engineer if you commonly criticize people from B.com and then regret not taking up B.com.

You know you do it. You keep assuring yourself that engineering will get you a job, it will broaden your mind and it will prepare you for those one night-ers. But when you are alone in those dark moments you wish you had taken up B.com instead. You hate how their college life is way awesome than yours. How your school friend is in a relationship with a girl, while you are still stuck with you right hand for company.Or how they have Shankar-Eshasan-Loy for star night whilst your fest's highlight is your college's own band.

• You know you're a male engineer if with increasing years your shaving frequency decreases.

(This one is specifically for the men, pertaining to their high ratio in engineering. You've got to please the majority.)
In the very first semester, when you had recently been acquainted to the razor, you would shave everyday, sometimes twice a day. You shaved, and voila you looked like SRK in Kal Ho Na Ho. All the women wanted to be with you, all the men wanted to be like you. Until one day, this illusion was shattered. That girl who you thought noticed your clean shaved face didn't even know your name. Those men you thought were jealous of you, were already way ahead in the social structure. Where did you go wrong? Yes, it was the shaving.
Come second year, you now only shave once a week, just so that the beard remains manageable. You try to deny it, but you are slowly shifting towards the dark side. The girl who didn't know your name recently called you shabby. She now knows that you exist. That's progress, clear progress. You begin to realize the immediate effects of not shaving.

Another year passes. Fresh in third year, you've recently brought yourself a swanky trimmer. You can now fool people that this perfect beard comes naturally to you.You have the perfect instrument, you can now look rough while looking groomed.But why are the jealous guys still getting more attention than you do? Do you need to take this a step further?

The final year is here. You've now given up. You have proclaimed your manhood, and have gone on a strict no shaving regime(except when your mom asks you too). You've now accepted the engineer life as you scratch that beard and pretend to contemplate about the meaning of life and death. 

These were just a couple of odd points from the top of my mind. I know a lot don't make sense, but that's the point. I could write a list, but i'm sure you have got better work to do. If there are some rituals personal to you and your college, go ahead and share them in the comments below.In the mean time I'll keep writing, and i hope you will keep coming back.

Until next time!